depression..

Im in a state of severe depression.

im losing edge..gradually losing my mind.i don't have a clue what i want and what i need.

I'm dumbfounded,confused,utterly emotional. I dumped Zaid.My Zaid. The only person in this world i love more than my life,more than my heart,more than any living person on earth.

nad I don't have a clue why =..(

Sometimes I don't think he UNDERSTANDS me.

Im awfully ALWAYS depressed..for no reason. The idea of happines doesn't appeal to me. If suicide wasn't such a big NO NO in ISlam,i would have been dead ages ago.

i know deep in my guts that im a depressed soul.I try to explain it to zaid,but he shuts me off.The only person i want to tell,th only person i want to understand my soul,and he never even tries to see my desperate plea of truth.my depression..

I want to be with him,every second of my heartbeat,but the idea doesn't compell him.Inevitably,it hurts me as he's the only source of my heartbeat.my own personal drug..and I can't live without him.

Why doesn't he understand? =..(

or maybe the idea of being with him without the solemnization loathes him,and me.It hurts us in so many ways to be a couple,without the blessings of religion.we want to be with each other,but we can't.

we want to hold each other,but we can't.and that,hurts to the core of our entire body.

however,i know myself.im a depressed soul,and i know i can't make him happy.happines is not jotted in the dictionary of my existence.

i love him unconditionally that i care enough to let him have the happiness that i know he can't have,with me. =..(

on the other hand,i need someone to love me unconditionally,just the way i love zaid.to love me more than his own life,more than anything else.but,..zaid doesn't =..(

and that.HURTS.